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The Compassionate Friends
Brisbane Newsletter
February March 2007
Important! - Please read
Help us to continue our valuable work.
Please browse amongst our pages, or use
the links below to select various articles,
just in case your in a hurry or want to read a
specific item.
| How can it ever be again | As we face a New Year | Poem for Leigh |
| The Bridge to Love | ||
| Your Grief Journey | Coping with All of the Firsts | Keegan Rhys Hardy |
| Fighting Wolves | I Know | Memories of Paul |
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“How can it ever be again?”
“How will I ever make it through another year of this torment?”
Firstly, when we are hurting and so terribly depressed it is hard to see any
good in our new year, but we will someday feel good again.
This is almost impossible to believe, but even if we don’t believe it we must
tell ourselves, over and over again, that it is true … because it is.
Many parents whose children have died some years in the past will attest to
this.
Remember also, no one can suffer indefinitely as you are suffering right now.
Second, we must face the new year with the knowledge that this year offers us
a choice as to whether we will be on our way to healing this time NEXT year,
or still in the pit of intense grief. We must remind ourselves that if we choose
to be on our way to healing by the following year, we must work to get there
and that work entails allowing ourselves to go THROUGH our grief, to cry, to
be angry, to talk out our guilt, to do whatever is necessary to move towards
healing.
Third, we must look for good in our lives and find reasons to go on, and accept
the fact that our continued suffering will not bring our child back. Most of
us have other children and a spouse for whom we must go on. Most important,
we have our own lives that must be lived. Most of us know that our dead children
would want us to go on. No, this coming year may not be a happy one, but it
can be a constructive one. Through our grief we can grow and become more understanding,
loving and compassionate, and more aware of the real values in life. Let us
not waste this new year.
Margaret Gerner, TCF St Louis, USA, Reprinted from TCF, Qld, February/March
newsletter, 1997
Index
As We Face a New Year
Reprinted from TCF Qld newsletter February/March 1994 (adapted)
Instead of the old kind of New Year’s resolutions we used to make and break,
let’s make some this year and really try to keep them:
Let’s not try to imagine the future—take one day at a time.
Allow yourself to cry, both alone and with your loved ones.
Don’t shut out family and friends from your thoughts and feelings. Share these
difficult times. You may all become closer for it.
Try to be realistic about your expectations—of yourself, your spouse, other
family members and friends. Each one of us is an entity,
therefore different. So, how can there be perfect understanding?
When a good day comes, relish it, don’t feel guilty and don’t be discouraged
because it doesn’t last—it WILL come again and multiply.
Take care of your health. Even though the mind might not care, a sick body will
only compound your troubles.
Drink lots of water, eat properly, rest (even if you don’t sleep), and get moderate
exercise. Help your body to heal, as well as your mind.
Share your feelings with other Compassionate Friends and let them share with
you. As you find you are caring about the pain of others—you are starting to
come out of your shell and that’s a very healthy sign. I know these won’t be
easy, but what has been? It’s worth a try, don’t you think?
Nothing to lose and perhaps much to gain.
POEM FOR LEIGH
Submitted by Mike, Sue, TCF, Qld, Julie, Clinton and Lachlan
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind
Or you can do what she’d want
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
In memory of a very special daughter, sister and aunty, Leigh Alison Edwards,
2/1/76 to 7/1/97
Who passed away very suddenly 10 years ago With meningococcal septicemia.
Index
THE BRIDGE TO LOVE
By Jan Marie Gillis, TCF Qld, @copyright protected 6th September 2004
There’s an indestructible bridge which joins earth and heaven, above
It’s the special, precious bridge to love
Love can travel across this bridge whether it’s day or night-time
Love’s heart-warming messages echo as sweet as any Mother Nature’s tune or rhyme
Love can always find the way across the bridge, even through scorching sunbeams,
storms or falling snowflakes
Whether you shout, whisper or sing your love message, it travels through valleys,
above mountains and across the lakes.
The bond of love which connects our hearts can not be melted or damaged simply
because one heart now lives in Heaven
Through cherished, beautiful memories and wonderful dreams, our minds and hearts
embrace the past and our precious quilts of sweet comfort are woven
Even momentary lack of faith, hope or courage doesn’t deny our hearts the right
to travel across love’s bridge
Whenever we yearn for the tender touch of the precious person we’ve lost
We can send a million catch-me-kisses and there’s not a single cent or cost
Not even an ocean filled with tears can wash love’s bridge away
Not even ten thousand days and nights will see love’s bridge decay.
Love transcends all material necessities, just take a moment to observe Mother
Nature’s wonders to realize what matters most
A starving man needs no diamond, he’d rather a piece of toast
The bridge between earth and heaven isn’t built with a single bolt, screw, nail
or piece of concrete or wood
Love can cross this bridge and there’s no question about our earthly deeds,
bad or good
No! Love built this bridge between earth and heaven to keep a piece of our hearts
together
Sometimes we are blind to the fact that there is a need for both the sunshine
and stormy weather.
The Lord Blessed You With Free-Will, Hope and the capacity to Love
Whenever you feel lonely, depressed or heart-broken then you can send your prayers
and sweet messages
Across love’s bridge to those who now dance on the rainbows in Heaven, above.
Lovingly submitted by Jan Marie Gillis, TCF Qld in memory of her daughters,
Joanne aged 5.6 years when she died on 10th October 1980 &
Beth, who was born too early at 6 months gestation
“Only strong people are given
tragedies”,
“You are only given what you can handle”
These are not my favourite phrases.
Every time I hear some one saying that to give me some encouragement for the
death of my son, I really feel more pain than satisfaction.
I do not respond or say anything to them but inside I answer; “I was not given
a choice and I am not handling it, I am just pretending to do so”.
If God asked me if I wanted my son to die I would have said NO, and given myself
in his place.
Society judges you on your capacity to keep on going, so parents that lost a
kid have to “pretend” that they are strong, you must have a time frame, already
set on books and therapists, on how long you should grieve and even when inside
they are broken in a million pieces, you have to put up a smile and continue
as if nothing happened…
It is exhausting that we have to fight each day against so much. Not only the
devastating pain but also the loss of friends that think this could be contagious
so they run from the “new” you and what you represent. You start each day trying
to comprehend how the world as you knew it… is gone for ever.
It increases the pain if you have to walk this path alone, when a husband (not
the biological father) leaves you because for them the situation becomes uncomfortable,
or when a friend that you had and was like a sister, stabs you in the back saying
that you have become intolerable, or when at work you can not concentrate and
finally and most devastating is your own personal guilt, that you failed to
protect your child from harm.
Each day is a struggle for me, even after 6 years, and I have to keep going
because I still have another son I do not want to fail, and because I want to
see my younger son still alive after I die.
I do not want to jeopardize any of my chances by doing something that God will
look on as a “mortal sin” and sentence me to hell and end my dream of being
with my son again.
Although I am already living in “earth hell” … some days, I do not want to go
there at the end of my days.
No, I do not feel special and selected by God because I was a strong person
and the “chosen one” to prove to the rest of the world that only strong people
get this “special treatment”.
I would have escaped from it if I would have had a chance.
The only time I do feel special is when two boys I know, Alex (9) and Andi (6),
are with me. They make my life so special and make me laugh. I feel real love
when I am with them. It reminds me when I had my two boys with me back in the
70’s. These kids are very special for me since they give me strength to keep
on going. My nephew is their Dad. They are not my grandchildren but I feel like
they are. They came to my life just when my son died. I used to baby sit and
have them in my house after my son died, they will never know how important
they were in my decision to continue living.
For my Felipe who died April 13th, 1999 at the age of 25. Illeana Martin, TCF
Altanta online, 2006
Index
The New School Year
By Pat Schwiebert, TCF Portland, OR
Lifted from February/March 2000, TCF Qld newsletter
I wonder how many people think about what it is like for a parent not to have
to pack a Snoopy lunch box for their child ever again.
February marks the re-entry of kids into the world of academia … but for some
parents it’s the reminder that the excitement of the children that electrifies
the air, won’t be the same in their homes this year. So many hopes and dreams
… and memories … are wrapped up in what occupies a major part of a child’s life
… school time.
The holiday season cushions us from having to be painfully aware that our child
won’t be walking to school with the other kids, or won’t be trying out for the
lead part in the school play, or won’t need new school clothes, or won’t fall
in love with the girl he sits behind in the maths class. Parents who never have
the pleasure of ‘letting them go’ to school for the first time know what they
have missed. They remember their own ‘first time’ and would like to have relived
it with their child. They would have made it really special and asked all the
questions that their own parents asked them when they arrived home from school.
Hopes and dreams for this child’s future will never be realized.
I wonder if my neighbour remembers that if my baby had lived, this is the year
she would have started Kindergarten.
I wanted her to have a Snoopy lunch box just like the other kids.
YOUR GRIEF JOURNEY
The following adapted appeal appeared in the Queensland Homicide Victims Support
Group’s News-Link June 2004 issue—our TCF Qld members may not realize their
stories may be of value to other members as well.
TCF Qld editors have, on occasions, asked our members to submit their story/ies
for publication in the bi-monthly newsletter—your story would, no doubt, give
“valuable insight into surviving grief and trauma” after the death of your child.
Many of our members have contributed their stories and insights over the years,
“however we know there is a lot more valuable information hiding among our members
out there and we hope you will read this and realize … (other members would
benefit greatly from) … YOUR input.”
“As time goes by, for those of us further ‘down the track’, we become very busy
rebuilding our lives and learning to live with our loss and pain. This is an
unbelievable accomplishment for all of us and plenty of hard work and tears
are involved. Often just the thought of re-visiting those dreadful first few
years, even for a few minutes, sends us into a complete tail-spin and we manage
to find ways to avoid that trauma.”
“We can easily recall those first months of bewilderment, shock, isolation,
fear, gut-wrenching pain, hopelessness and fatigue (just to mention a few of
the feelings). We also remember the years of frustration, anger, devastation
and loss of control of our lives. We can re-enter those feelings at any given
moment—and often do—no matter how many survival tips we have discovered and
utilize along the way.”
“We …. understand that sharing your hard earned grief-knowledge is a hard ask
and we certainly do not wish to traumatize any of our families who are on the
difficult path of recovery. If however, you feel you might be able to give some
recovery assistance to newer families through your own survival techniques,
we would love to hear from you.”
“Our newer families consistently ask many of the same questions we have all
asked in the beginning of our trauma. We would like to share these questions
and ask our families who are a bit further down the track to offer their story,
I would be happy to help put your thoughts into words on paper for you.” Your
experience is unique and of immense value to other members.
Questions often asked by new members to TCF.
How long does it feel like this?
Will I ever get over it?
How could this happen to my family?
Should we get counseling?
Does the pain get any worse?
Does anything take the pain away?
What helps my family recover?
What do I do with this anger?
Can grief make you sick?
Are you able to share your insights into any of these questions for publication
in our newsletter? Cheryl, TCF Qld Newsletter Editor
COPING WITH ALL OF THE FIRSTS
By Betty Swalling, TCF Adelaide, SA
Reprinted from TCF Qld Newsletter, Feb/Mar 1996
When we become parents we look forward to all the firsts in the life of our
child/ren. The first night they sleep through, the first smile, first tooth,
first time to sit up, first step and then later their first school report, first
date, etc. The list goes on.
What we don’t expect is having to survive all the firsts that we face after
the death of our beloved child/ren. The first birthday—of theirs and other family
members—the first Easter, Christmas, New Year, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and
then, horror of horrors, the first time the day and month of their death comes
round again. Not that the pain stops after twelve months have passed. Unfortunately,
we know better than that.
There are other firsts that need to be faced later on too, like special birthdays
of family and friends, engagements, weddings and births. The list seems endless.
When my younger son, Matt, died in 1992, I made a determined decision to make
all the firsts different from what or how things had been done in the past.
No matter what I did or what happened I would miss his presence terribly but
by doing something different I wasn’t making the comparison with what it was
like before.
I have found for me anyway, that this has worked. In doing something different
I’ve had to face up to the event before hand and being prepared for the event
does have it’s benefits.
I will illustrate this by describing my first New Year’s Eve without Matt. I
had never gone “over the top” about New Year’s Eve and my kids were all adults.
On that New Year’s Eve I chose to be on my own and worked in my garden (usually
good therapy for me). As the evening wore on I felt tearier and tearier—what
was happening? Finally, it dawned on me. I was about to face another year without
my precious son! Now I would have to say he died last year not this year. And,
I hadn’t been prepared—I hadn’t braced myself.
Some of the things I’ve planned and done have been a picnic breakfast on the
back lawn, going to the beach on Christmas Day with the dog and a sandwich,
going for long walks. I’ve done some significant things like releasing 21 bright
balloons on Matt’s 21st—his first birthday after he died—and planting roses
on anniversaries, and I’ve had memorial services at church with family and friends.
What has become a ritual on these days is taking flowers to Centennial Park
and spending time there, burning a candle, looking at photos, crying, remembering,
loving and more tears. Hope this may be of some benefit to other bereaved parents.
It has helped me to survive somehow.
Written in the cherished memory of my adored sons:
Matt, who died as a result of a motorbike accident in June 1992 aged 20 and
Paul, who ended his life in September 1994, aged 26.
Index
Keegan Rhys Hardy
28/11/02—9/2/03
Aged 10 weeks 3 days
You were more perfect than we could have hoped
More beautiful than we could have dreamed
More precious than we could have imagined
More missed than we can believe
More treasured than anything we’ve ever known
More adored than we’d ever thought
We miss you more each day
As the years keep passing by Our little ray of sunshine,
the brightest star we know
Our thoughts and kisses are always with you
We love you more than we could have ever known
Our darling baby, taken too soon
Love Daddy, Mummy, Lincoln, Bayden and Emersen.
Lovingly submitted by his Mother, Fiona Hardy TCF, Qld
Index
Fighting Wolves—Native American Story
CBSSG Newsletter No 43, April 2003 Reprinted in SOSBSA, July/August 2004 Newsletter
A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.
He said ‘I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart.
One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one.
The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one’.
The grandson asked him
‘Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?’
The grandfather answered,
“The one I feed.”
Index
I Know
I know that his pain has passed
Except for how it lives in my memory
I know that denying sadness denies healing
I know that I may never resolve
All the issues surrounding his death
I know I may hear his voice and see him
In the shadows
I know the remedies for grief are time,
Courage, and love
I know that grieving takes
Just as long as it takes—it is a process
And It may never truly end,
But it will always change
These things I know—I just wish I didn’t!
By Bonnie L Sobbry, written in loving memory of her son William TCF, Qakbrook,
Winter 2005-2006
Index
Memories of Paul
By Sonia Smith
We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
We often speak your name.
Now all we have are memories,
Your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake
With which we’ll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
We have you in our heart.
In memory of Paul, son of Molly Dunleavy, Bristol “Compassion”, Autumn Edition,
2004, Bristol
The Compassionate Friends supports and cares for thousands of
people worldwide each year following the death of a child. Ultimately we wish
we could prevent death from occurring... then we would still have our beloved
children with us, but sadly we can't. Please help to support our organisation
so we may continue to care and support the many families who face the most devastating
loss of all...... the loss of a child.
Thank you very much, all donations of $2
and over are tax deductible.
Your support is greatly appreciated!!!
Index
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