Friday Fluff

• Ministry of Fish & Wildlife Warning

• Get a Dog

• How to Give a cat a pill

• Gee that's my favourite!

• Cat-to-English Dictionary

• To err is human

Get a Dog

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

 If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

 If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere   you want to go, get a dog.

 If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.

 If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy ....

Get a CAT!

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.       Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.       Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.       Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.       Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.       Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

6.       Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.       Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.       Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.       Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.   Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.  Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick  pill down throat with elastic band.

11.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last  tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey  compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from  bedroom.

12.   Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from across the road.

13.   Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

14.   Take last pill from foil wrap.

15.   Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

16.   Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

17.   Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

18.   Forget about ever giving a cat a stupid pill, just put Revolution behind its neck once a month!

No worries!! Cats are too smart for pills!!!

 HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1.       Wrap it in bacon .

Gee that's my favourite!

Cat to English Dictionary

To err is human

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Page Updated: 11 August 2002